Passion, Connection & Love
As with other areas in our life, we need to identify where we are in terms of relationship and where we want to be. There’re a limited amount of options:
- We are in a relationship and:
- Want more from it (remember that we’re either growing or dying)
- Want out of it
- Are immobilised
- We are not in a relationship and:
- We want one (we fear getting hurt)
- We don’t want one (we associate relationships to more pain that not having one)
The purpose of relationships is to magnify the human experience. It’s important that we magnify the emotions we want to magnify and not the opposite ones.
Principles of relationships
1. Relationships, like life, will bring us amazing pleasure but sometimes pain as well
We can’t be in a relationship if we are not willing to go through some painful moments.
The key is to manage those moments. When we are upset by something the other person has or hasn’t done we must ask ourselves “What else could this mean?“. People almost never do something to intentionally hurt us. They’re busy trying to meet a need or doing what they think it’s best. We’re not the centre of their world.
We have to reinforce the positive things they do instead of pointing out all the negative things they do.
Eg: If our partner never calls us and we want to, if the they they call we tell them that they never call and that they should do it more often, we’ll be reinforcing the idea that calling is painful. Instead, if we show them how happy we are because they’ve called we’ll be reinforcing the pleasure of calling and, if it becomes pleasurable, they’ll start calling more often.
2. The one secret of great relationships is that we must go to give and not to get something
Measuring who’s giving more or getting into a relationship to get something is a recipe for disaster.
Relationships where both parties go to get something are transactions, not relationships.
3. If a relationship is guided by rules instead of love, it’s going to be painful
We must use love as the guiding force in our relationship.
Love makes us understand and respect, rules make us obey or question authority.
4. Relationships have the potential to meet all of our six human needs
We must make sure to fulfil the needs of our partner. If we can, then we’ll get it back and we’ll become a great match.
5. In a relationship we have to be aware of the other and accept them
In other words that means make the other feel significant and loved.
The two most primary fears are the fear of not being enoughand the fear of not being loved.
If our partner doesn’t feel significant or loved enough, those fears will start to take in and they’ll find a way to meet those needs (usually people tend to choose poor vehicles for that, such as focusing on other activities or people that can meet their needs)
The two most important factors in creating a relationship
1. Having an extraordinary relationship with yourself
We can’t give to other people what we haven’t learned to give ourselves. So, to truly love someone, we have to love ourselves first.
👉 Take action now!
2. Selection (selecting the qualities you need in a relationship)
Lasting relationships work when both people share the same nature or have a complementary nature. That means knowing if the relationship is based on the moment or if it’ll have a lasting impact. Which is based on beliefs, values and goals.
We can apply the same principles used for any lasting relationship (friendship, business, etc):
- Can do: Can they do the job?
- Knowledge, habits, skills…
- In this case, can they be your partner?
- Will do: Will they do the job?
- This will happen if the job/relationship meets their personal goals and reinforces their nature.
- Does the relationship moves towards their personal goals?
- Team fit: Is this the right team fit?
- Are your values, goals and beliefs aligned or complimentary? Specially you highest values?
- Do you value your needs in a similar way?
- Is you sexuality or sensuality aligned or complimentary? Recommended read of the subject: David Deida.
- We can’t fix others. If we try to change their nature and we succeed they’ll end up loosing their spirit and if we fail we’ll be frustrated.